Fish Story

Okay, you're not going to believe this story but I don't care. I'm telling it anyway.

Back when I was about 15, I went to summer camp near Kansas City along with a few buddies of mine. It was a great camp, with lots of fun things to do. One of those things included a big lake that we could fish at all day during free time. Well, my friend Jason and I loved to fish so we were there as often as possible, reeling in bass and blue gill.

In the cabin next to ours, there was a camper who seemed a little... off. I don't mean to be mean, he was just really quirky and said some things that made my forehead wrinkle. Anyway, one day when we were out fishing at the edge of the lake, this guy (I'll call him Don) came out with his tackle box and his gigantic fishing pole. Seriously, I thought he was fishing for sharks.

Jason and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and kept fishing. We had just come from lunch, where they had served chicken patties... which worked great for catching blue gill, so we had swiped a few extra when we left the table. Well Don pulls out his big deep sea fishing pole and puts almost an entire chicken patty on the hook for bait. He said, "I'm gonna catch a big one!"

He threw the bait out there as far as he could and let it sink. I kind of felt bad for him, since he was so confident and yet I knew he didn't have a prayer of catching anything on what he just rigged up. Jason and I just kept fishing, steadily reeling in bass and blue gill. It was a good day for fishing!

After about 25 minutes we hear this loud "I got one!" and we look over to see Don setting the hook with all his might, and his giant deep sea fishing pole is bent and looks like it might break. Our eyes got wide with disbelief, and we ran over to see what in the world he had hooked. He fought it for ten minutes and then pulls in the biggest grass carp I have ever seen. I couldn't believe it.

It weighed 24.5 pounds according to the little Zebco scale Don had hooked to the gill of the fish. But that's where the problems started. Don had placed this mega-carp on a tiny little hook on a tiny little scale, more appropriately used for weighing perch and minnows. That big ol' carp only had to squirm once and that little hook on the scale tore right through its gill up to its mouth as the weight of the fish was too much. Now it was flopping all over the ground and bleeding everywhere.

Don kind of panicked and decided to throw the carp back into the lake. We watched it as it tried to swim but something was really off and all it could do was swim in circles while spinning in the water. I had a feeling it wasn't going to make it. About that time we had to go to an event so we left the fish to fend for itself, hoping it might recover while we were gone.

When we came back, sure enough the poor fish wasn't doing too well. Jason and I looked at it kind of floating and struggling right next to the bank of the lake. No one else was there yet, so we decided we would try to help it by picking it up and taking it out onto the dock where we could throw it out into deeper water. Maybe that would help it have a better chance.

So Jason reached down and grabbed the fish by the gills and we started walking toward the dock. Now, you know how fish have those air bubbles in their stomachs and sometimes they make little chirping noises? Well, this big fish made some pretty loud chirping noises and what I'm going to tell you next will make you roll your eyes, but I'm not making this up.

The fish was making these sounds...."khk-khk-khk-khk-...kkhhh-hhhe-e-l-l-p....m-e-e....khk-khk." The freaking fish said "help me!" I'm serious! I know you don't believe me, but Jason and I immediately looked at each other dumbfounded. "Did it just say 'help me?'" Jason asked, his eyes were as big as baseballs.

I didn't say anything. I was too scared.

We kept walking, only faster, toward the dock as the fish continued to make chirping noises. Then it did it again... "khk-khk-khk...khwa-terrr...khk-khk." It said "water!" With that we threw it back into the lake and ran.

Try not to dismiss me. Jason will verify this entire story. He was there! I know it sounds crazy.

We immediately found our friend Kirby and began to tell him the story. Now Kirby wasn't having a very good week. I don't remember all the reasons why, but part of it had to do with the fact that I had spilled a large glass of orange juice in his lap earlier that day. Kirby was bitter a lot in those days. Several of us used to give him a hard time about it, which actually kind of helped cheer him up sometimes.

Well, we began to tell him the story, which he was not enjoying. But when I insisted that the fish said, "Help me," it was too much. I crossed the line. Kirby told me to shut up and then he punched me in the gut. It didn't hurt that bad but it did surprise me. He later apologized and now we laugh about it whenever we tell this story. Kirby later found himself a good wife and has a little girl now. I don't think he's been bitter since.

Anyway, we went back to the lake and found out Don had grabbed the carp out of the water and chopped it up with his fillet knife, since it was basically dead anyway. Fish guts were everywhere. He said, "I'm gonna use it for bait!" Well that's just great. Now we'll never know if it had more to say before it died.

Later that night, my friends and I were about to go to one of our evening camp sessions, and we were goofing off just outside the main building. My friend Luke and I were using our straws from our drinks as little blow gun pea shooters, shooting the crushed ice at each other. It was a fun little war, until Luke shot me right in the eyeball. I had hard contacts in those days, and the blast from the ice knocked my contact out. So my eye was stinging like crazy, and I was on my hands and knees trying to find my contact lens on the ground, with the help of my friends.

Well right about that time, as we're all huddled together on our hands and knees looking for my contact, Don walks up to the drinking fountain right outside the building, takes a big swig of water in his mouth, and walks over to us. He then proudly poses himself as a statue, sticks his head out, and with a mouthful of water says, "Look, I'm a fountain!" Then he spews the water out of his mouth just like a fountain. He spit it right where we were looking for my contact. Some of it splashed on me. I don't think he even realized what he did. Don sure was a strange guy.

So that's the story. My wife helped me create the bumper sticker above to memorialize this story. We gave one to everyone who thinks this story is special. And by "special," I mean "probably true," even if we have doubts.

My brother has made it a habit to tell this story to his youth groups (he's a youth pastor) even though he wasn't even there. He just thinks it's a hilarious story, and so do his youth groups apparently. And I think it's hilarious too-- I mean, I know it sounds so ridiculous, but the fact of the matter is it also creeps me out a little. That fish talked and people who claim such things might get sent to an institution somewhere. And I have a witness! But hey, I can pretend it didn't happen all I want. I'd just be lying to myself and to everyone else.

Well, maybe in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. I mean, we live in a really strange universe with black holes and weird dimensions and physics that don't seem to make sense. We haven't even scratched the surface. Maybe animals do talk, like so many of the Pixar films are trying to tell us. In the Bible there's a story about a talking donkey. Metaphor? Perhaps... or perhaps not.

Anyway, this fish story is something I'll never forget and I'm guessing you won't either (if you actually made it to the end). Hopefully it at least gave you a good laugh.